Furious Flogging Causes Spontaneous Combustion



An unidentified woman burst into flames Saturday night at OUCH!, a local pansexual BDSM club, when “Sir Flip” flogged the woman so fast that she spontaneously combusted.

Arcadia fire chief Normal Els reported that the woman died at the scene from her wounds. “I haven’t seen anything like this since a Pop Tart incident with a creme brûlée torch about four years ago. Took a hungry man’s face clean off.”

Horrified club members watched as the county coroner took the body away. “I told him he was flogging too fast,” eyewitness Ralph Sir said. “Those moose hide falls were just a blur. At first I thought it was a dual scene with someone doing fire until the screams began.”

“All I heard him say over and over afterward was ‘Why am I so damn good?’,” said submissive “Kitty Klaws”.

This from the county coroner’s autopsy report: “The combined friction of the heavy hide found on the BDSM implement combined with the device’s rapid use created a heat build-up that became a conflagration on the back of the victim.”

Sir Flip has been taken into custody for second degree murder and the implement held for evidence in the eventual trial.

Photo credit: Fredrik Alpstedt CC: SA NC

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