In a move that is sure to shake the bootblack world all the way to its,well, boots, DomCo, the Seattle based leather goods manufacturer, has unveiled its newest product.
Appropriately called SHYNZE, the line features self-polishing shoes and boots. Vice President of R&D, Tim Sims, provides a brief overview of the manufacturing process;
“We take your average shoe or boot leather, and then treat it in a proprietary solution. I can’t tell you what’s in it, but there’s some crazy chemical shit that’s like waaay over my head” joked Sims.
“All I know is, once the boots get dirty, you just place them on the supplied Shynze Stand, and in under one hour, you have gleaming footwear!” continued Sims.
The real furor came just one week ago, when judges were stunned to see a pair of the Shynze MilitiaBoss Pro boots entered in the 2014 Central Lakeside Bootblack Extravaganza competition. Appearing dirty, worn and beyond repair, the boots won out over the five traditionally entered bootblacks, scoring the highest points ever awarded in the competitions twelve year history.
Only one of the bootblacks present was willing to offer their opinion. ‘FeatherFloss’, 2012 Landsdowne Speed Lacing Champion, and winner of the 2008 Greased Hands Invitational, was willing to speak as the official spokesperson for all the competitors; “I was hoping the judges would disqualify the DomCo boot entrant. It’s blatantly unfair to the real bootblacks if you don’t actually have to do anything. I saw the person place the boots on the stand, and then they told me they were going to get a coffee and would be back in an hour. I sorta chuckled to myself, because there was no way that this pair of boots was going to win, especially without any real attention. Then I turn around and it’s like FUCK ME! Here’s this perfect pair of boots on the stand, like someone swapped them out for a new pair. Then the goddam judges give it first place!”
Sims was unrepentant; “Look, I can’t tell anyone what to do with these boots. We just sell them. The buyer has to have the last word in how they use them. If they want to win competitions with them, that’s up to the individual. And seriously, you can win a prize for cleaning shoes? Just wait until we debut our auto-lacing model next year!”
FeatherFloss had the last word; “It’s just sad. I can see that we’re becoming obsolete, and quite honestly I can’t afford to lose my job. Well, it’s not really a job. It’s more like a hobby or something that I win at sometimes. Not often, but sometimes. What else am I going to do? Boots and all that stuff are all I’ve got. It’s just sad, really really sad.”
Yes it is.
Look for the DomCo line of boots at your local retailer, or check them out online.
Please tell me that this is satire…lol. I didn’t even think it was until someone else said it was the Leather version of the “Onion”. lol
I am getting all flustered here..lol. Gonna bust out my Underdog Suit any second now!!
I’m shocked, SHOCKED I say!
The Elders Council is going to slit some throats over this.
I will only worry about these threatening the existence of bootblacks when they become self massaging and self licking…and if they do, can I have a pair of pants made with the same stuff?!