ANNENDALE, VIRGINIA
A recent report by the Center for the Study of Internet Activity at VMI has concluded that pornography, the long time driver of net usage, has dropped to second place behind “funny cat videos and images.”
According to Dr. Helen Green, principal researcher and Professor of Internet Sociology, the combination of “CanIHazCheeseburger” images and YouTube videos featuring humorous feline behavior has tipped the balance in favor of the cats.
“My research just became far less interesting,” said Dr. Green. “For almost a decade I was able to watch porn professionally, because I could claim it was the most common form of Internet entertainment. Now I am stuck watching cat videos. Cat videos. Fuck my life.”
Two of Dr. Green’s research assistants have quit the project, electing to move on to research that was “more substantive and less trivial.”
Reaction on campus has been swift, with many now referring to the Dr. Green in unflattering terms.
“We used to call her the Porn Professor, which was kind of cool,” said David Ross, a junior at VMI. “Now we just call her the crazy cat lady. No one wants to take her classes anymore. She’s become a joke.”
Campus police are investigating the hacking of the project’s web site, where the recent study was replaced with several pictures of cats with “Hitler moustaches” and a video of a cat saying what sounds like “Oooolong Johnson.”
Dr. Green received support from her department chair, Dr. Vernon Grant. “I don’t know what the big deal is. I love cat videos. Especially the one called ‘Simon’s Cat.’ I think that one is really funny.”
Photo credit: Mihaly Podobni CC: SA NC
