POPLAR CITY, ILLINOIS
Art lovers and others were delighted at today’s premiere of the Mason County Museum of Art’s newest and most controversial exhibit; “Beyond the Big Beef Curtain.” Lou Menders-Smythe, MCMA’s curator, was pleased with the mostly positive response of the crowd. “I’ve lived in Illinois for twenty-seven years and I have never seen such an interest in art. A Vaginasaurus. Who knew?”
The massive exhibit is a multimedia experience offering fun facts, tactile mazes, artifacts, and the extremely popular “Sperm to Egg” obstacle course. (Plan to arrive early, wait times are estimated at four hours after 9 am.)BtBBC is the brainchild and special purpose of an artist who goes by the name Big V. “I got so f–king sick of men bragging about how large their packages are,” says V. “My vagina is big. No, wait. It’s f–king HUGE. Why should I not be proud of that?”
Big V credits the enormity of her woman parts to daily stretching and frequent, vigorous, and varied visitors. “Lots of girls look at their coochies and consider them sacred ground. I like to think of mine as more of a time-share, like Cabo San Lucas.”
Big V’s odyssey began in May 2012 when she started to experience discomfort in her uteral areas. “My gyno did all the tests he had- ultrasound, cat-scan, vagiscope… and they still didn’t know what was wrong. Finally, a friend of mine who’s a plumber offered his pipe camera, like the one they use to find lost children in wells? and my whole world changed. They found my unborn twin, that egg, somebody’s tv remote, three teaspoons, seven mismatched socks, my driver’s license and the stupid keys I’ve been looking for since 2008! It was like a miracle!”
The “egg” V refers to is one of only 50 Imperial Easter Eggs created by the House of Fabergé for Russian emperors Alexander III and Nicholas II from 1885 to 1916. Just this month another of these eggs was uncovered and valued at 36 million dollars.“I don’t care about the money,” Big V said, her eyes filling with tears. “There are spaces that cannot be filled with cash or eggs or even bacon. I wanted Illinois to understand that. And, I found my keys!”
Response from those exiting the show was overwhelmingly positive. Robert Voila, president of Husker’s Spelunkers said, “Oh. Em. Gee. We came all the way from Nebraska but every mile was worth it. The Echo! Echo! echo! echo! echo….”
Renee Brand, coordinator of WWRF (Wild Women of Relentless Flatness) was equally happy. “Big,” she says. “Big. Wide. Prairie. Vagina . … I am finally Home.”
Beyond the Big Beef Curtain is open to the public through April 20. Large groups and even larger units are welcome. Please contact doomee@mygynormousvajayjay.
